Who’s Your Favourite Tory?
Here at sendawaythetigers we are a little conscious of the fact that sometimes we may produce biased and unbalanced accounts of modern love. With Leveson raising the issue of media fairness we decided it was time to “hug a Tory”; it is time to embrace our blue brothers. So here are our favourite Tories*.
Ross’s Favourite Tory is David Davis… ‘Firstly because I love aliteration (brilliantly, his wife is called Doreen). Secondly because I love consonance. But mainly because I love Working Class Tories. A Working Class Tory is one of the greatest Oxymorons of our time, right up there with ‘Simon Cowell’s Girlfriend’. Born to a single mother in the 40’s, he lived with his Grandfather – a Communist Party member who was disinherited from his family and actually led a mirror Jarrow march which also included a Hunger Strike. Davis then moved to Tooting and lived in a ‘slum’. Undoubtedly this upbringing should have given him a sense of social justice; instead it would seem he spent his time there in a Louis Theroux capacity. After stints at University, in the SAS and at Tate & Lyle, he eventually became a Conservative MP. He is most famous for his 2008 resignation from the Shadow Cabinet over the diminishing of Civil Liberties. At the time I was quite new and naive to politics; although I was already designed to despise the Tories I was struck by his integrity and principles; In one move – and his background supports this – he’d made the Tories actually seem human. Perhaps his Conservative Membership is just a reaction to his past? Perhaps he was confused [insert Simon Cowell anal-ogy]? He selflessly risked ruin and his re-election was by no means gauranteed. He was of course re-elected. And straight away stated his support for the Death Penalty.’
For T.S.L, a favourite Tory choice was easy. Baroness Warsi… ‘Now I know she is a completely obvious choice; I’m a red-blooded male, she’s a female…need I say more. The latest in a long line of Tory Pin-Ups. I mean them women are very rare in that Tory Party…speckled amongst the repressed homosexuals and the expressed homophobes. Plus she’s a proper Tory. Not like that Ken Clarke, suggesting prison might not be the only route to retribution and reform amongst the criminally-minded. After all, she’s a Baroness! I mean how often do you get them nowadays…they’re like good sitcoms, ever-so rare. She’s probably even in line for the Throne (although I’m sure Phil the Greek wouldn’t be too impressed with that idea). She’s also the first unelected Muslim to serve as a minister in the UK. How proud her parents must be. As she sits in them Cabinet Meetings, with absolutely no mandate from the people, it’s lovely that the Tories have come so far, that they can actually have a Woman and a -Muslim in their Party. Before all this she worked as a solicitor, at the Home Office Immigration Department; we all know what them Tories are like about immigration. Baroness Warsi is my favourite Tory. Her presence on Question Time brightens my evening; with her dreary accent, and even drearier politics, what’s not to like?’
And this is why Victor likes Ken Clarke… “Kenneth Clarke tilted his head towards the fireplace which, he had been told, had been built by his Father with the hands and blood of the many fathers of chimney sweeps he had acquired. With seemingly exceeding effort he raised his forearm, motioning with his index towards the fireplace. He said nought but the expression he wore on his crumpled face communicated his message clearly to his son. His son obeyed with enthusiasm. Perhaps Percival might coax his Father into opting for Oak from the Isle of Skye rather than Kent’s finest. Father was a reproachful one he thought. Kenneth lay, mildly uncomfortable, but also mildly proud. Although the fireplace was dimming the light exerted by the Kent Oak gave the greatest hue to evenings. He swirled his tumbler of Talisker as his wife swirled his…”
* Due to the fact we all chose the same Tory as our undoubtable favourite, we have decided to leave this person out; his name was Nick Clegg.