Marry Me Jess?
Summertime is here and there is nothing I like more than nurturing my Pogonias. They’re prize winning you know. My lovely little lilac lovelys. Last summer I spent hours upon hours with them. Whilst London was burning I was rushing home from work to feed and nourish my Pogonias.
So imagine my disgust now that every time I look out of my window I can see them wilting. Dying. Dead. All because there’s a Hosepipe Ban.
Yes a Hosepipe ban. Even though we are an Island country. Literally surrounded by the stuff.
Apparently Thames Water lose a third of all of their water due to their old-fashioned infrastructure that you always see them not working on out in the street.
This basically means that there’s not enough water to save my plants but there is enough for Mrs. Windsor to float her boats as she celebrates 60 years of being a D-lister in June.
So with my plants now dead what am I to do all summer? Oh yes. The Olympics.
Now I’ve done some research and can I just shock you? The exact amount of Water that it takes to feed an Olympic size Swimming Pool is just about enough to water my Pogonias.
It’s political correctness gone mad.
But there are other reasons that I’m not keen on The Olympics.
Although I’ve done no research it sounds right to say they cost too much at a time when Hospitals are being sold and Libraries closed.
The legacy also worries me. It’s clear that the Stadium (which is a lovely piece of Art by the way) will never be used properly again. Little things like the temporary building on the notoriously Green-Belted Blackheath Common also irk.
I’m put off by some of the sillier sports on offer too. Synchronised Swimming for example. What happens if one of them accidentally drowns?
But the main reason I’m turned off by the Olympics is that I would absolutely hate to see my favourite Jessica Ennis in tears should she lose. That would mortify me.
Yet Jessica may be literally a big turn-on on The Olympics.
Alongside Usain Bolt (the best person in the human race) she has very much become the face of the Games.
Ennis is a dabbler; she’ll do anything to win a medal, be it the Shotput, Javelin or even 110m Hurdles (which she is good at because she is mixed race).
And whilst she plays to win she always does so with a smile. I have very little patriotism in me these days but to me she epitomises the British spirit and culture.
So I will watch the Olympics. I will even trek the few short miles to watch them. I may even camp outside. With my Union Jack duvet.
How else am I to give Jessica her Olympic Ring otherwise?