What Is Easter, Anyway?

‘It’s Easssssssttttttteeeeeeerrrrrr!’ as Noddy Holder once famously proclaimed as he sat alone in his room full of hats combing his sideburns and crying (his wife left him after his penchant for promoting his nuts in public left her feeling embarrassed and rather un-special).

But what is Easter all about?

Well there are several theories of varying likelihood…

We are taught that Jesus forgave Judas his betrayal; in fact Easter was invented in 1994 almost entirely as a quest-for-forgiveness by the Dinosaurs.

Of late they had had a particularly bad time of it. ‘Jurassic Park’ gave them a bit of an image problem – the original book by Michael Crichton was a cautionary tale of meddling in Life and its effects; yet Spielberg portrayed them as havoc-making monsters (he still held a grudge over the time a Velociraptor accidentally slaughtered his great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great Granddad’s neighbour, Colin – The case went to court but the institutionalised racism of the pterodactyl judge proved decisive).

The Dinosaurs quickly combined with Max Clifford to solve this crisis. Initially a T-Rex released a Ukelele version of Sgt.Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band – this strangely flopped, despite the T-Rex having the perfect hand and arm posture and position to play said Ukelele.

They then realised that they could mirror Coca-Cola’s success in creating Christmas.

They quickly sussed that in combining chocolate, eggs and fiction they could swiftly win the public back.

Past accounts of ‘Jesus’ actually denied their existence so they were effectively having their cake and eating it by creating a likeable public holiday that simultaneously killed ‘Jesus’ and used chocolate.

The Velociraptors – who were right bastards in ‘Jurassic Park’ – even went to the trouble of pretending they in fact looked like Easter Chickens.

The foolproof plan surprisingly failed however when ‘Jurassic Park: The Lost World’ was released. Also, the at-the-time rational decision to plant fossilised proof of their existence in the wake of Christmas’s original denial of Dinosaurs in 1973, seemed only to rile the very public that they were trying to win over upon discovery.

Esther Ranzen vehemently disputes this account. She is adamant (not the loony singer) that Easter is a Polish celebration of her life; she is of course flattered but has never understood the crucifixion aspect (she does like Hot Cross Buns though so she’s non-plussed really).

The newest theory is that Lindt created Easter as a vehicle for flogging their Gold Bunny range (they had already tried and failed with the emerging Hallowe’en market and plans to release them to celebrate the Night of The Long Knives were ludicrous.)

But to put it bluntly this theory is about as nonsensical as if ‘God’ had had a bastard child that technically wasn’t his as he asked one of his angel minions to Lesbian rape the mother and then this boy went on to be an alcoholic (walking on wine apparently)and to feed 5000 with just some fish and bread (yeah it’s impressive but he only had enough Vinegar for 2000 – mainly because he had one of them new Sarson’s spray ones that basically goes anywhere except the fish I mean honestly Sarson’s  that should never have got past the design stage should it?) before one of his best mates (12 friends in the whole world in an age before Facebook – is that acceptable?) sold him out and he was executed but not before he saw the funny side and said ‘well this has been a Good Friday’ (he was King of the Jews and beat Woody Allen to this pun) and then he resurrected himself (just for one day mind) because it was Monday which probably meant it was cheap drinks at the local Wetherspoon.

So yeah, Dinosaurs and Max Clifford created Easter, who would have thought?

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