I’m Overweight: Who Gives A Toss?

‘Step away from the biscuit Lauren Goodger; put the Lion Bar down. Yes that goes for Toffee Crisps too. Well it’s the same thing isn’t it? Basically yeah… No I don’t know why Cadbury’s did that no. No you shu’up!’

Lauren Goodger, Overweight of Essex, is apparently unhappy with her figure – although perhaps her snake-skin skin should be  more of a concern.

The Daily Mail recently ran a story of the reality TV star being papped on her hols looking slightly tubby.

Her reflective response went “I want to really work on it now. I want to lose two stone. I want to be a size eight to ten. It knocks your confidence.”

She then claimed that the fact her bikini was too small and tight perhaps made it look worse.

Judge Lauren for yourself...

Of course, Lauren is not over-weight. But this got me thinking. I might be myself.

I’ve been temporarily unemployed for a while and eating (food) and drinking (drink) has been a hobby; I now have a reasonable paunch.

In fact I would argue that my clothes are too tight. I am a small but only in the chest and length; my middle is a medium. OK I’m not quite ready for Jacamo just yet but my wardrobe choices are now limited.

So I’m trying two diets. Firstly I’ve joined WeightWatchers.

Secondly I’ve heard of this new revolutionary method that helps shed unwanted weight, tones (certain) muscles, doesn’t limit or restrict your food intake and is easier than doing 100 sit-ups a day (although you can still do this that many times if you’re up to it). It sounds perfect eh? Have you guessed what it is yet?

Yes the Masturbation diet really is a perfect way to shed weight little-by-little helping a male adult clear tiny bits of excess bodily mass.

But it (quite literally) has it’s drawbacks.

It’s very much a short-term quick fix for weight loss. For example, before a night out if you trousers are too tight you could give it a go and it will work wonders.

Last Tuesday, en route to my second WeightWatchers meeting, I stopped in the Co-Op for a Lion Bar (I prefer their packaging). Now I know I shouldn’t have and once I got to WeightWatchers I begun to panic. I was in the queue for the weekly weigh in; Julie had lost a pound and Nicole managed 3 even with her shoes still on. I was in real danger of losing face here when I really wanted to show them I mean business (only my second meeting remember)…

So I pulled my trousers down and lost a pound.

Now. I know this was foolish. I went red straight away and braced myself for the onslaught.

But it turns out that the vain ladies of WeightWatchers really liked the enthusiasm and attention; no-one has looked at Julie for at least a year apparently.

And I won Slimmer of the Week so wank you very much…

***Of course this never happened. I would never do such a thing. The very thought is disgusting and I apologise for misleading you and for letting you down. I actually prefer Toffee Crisps.

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Ross
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