The Falklands: Sticking The Knife In

Britain has never been so vulnerable to an attack.  Our boys are caught up fighting two wars in the Middle East; and now there is increasing Argentine hostility towards the continued control of The Falkland Islands, an issue further stoked by Red Top jangoism.

Are we in a position to defend them? Prince William has been sent there and whilst his horse face would deter me personally (he’s no Price Harry Hewitt now is he ladies?) I’m led to believe the Argentines themselves all look like Carlos Tevez. Winning ugly might not work for the UK this time.

With the real army away on tour who can defend The Falklands?

The Barmy Army are in Sri-Lanka until at least mid-April. Similarly, Chrissy Powell’s Red and White Army are pre-occupied trying to throw the League 1 title away.

The EDL are of course the English Defence League. They should be well up for it. They have new credentials too;  John Terry is the new captain of the English Defence League (Joleon Lescott has oddly played himself into second place and this has made meetings very tense). Questions remain however as to whether the Argentines meet the pre-requisite dark skin tone; are they just tanned? Allegedly there is an EDL spokesman on his way to Buenos Aires right now with a Dulux flip book.

But why does the UK even want The Falklands? Is it one last shot at Imperialism? Is it a Tory Plan B for if they need a guaranteed election winner a la Thatcher?

Or is it because Dave Cameron is expecting another great Cutlery Drought? The 6 month Teaspoon ban of 1987 lives long in the memory but pragmatically speaking surely Forks are the most common of the cutlery class?

I digress that is a highly unlikely scenario; Dave was born with a Silver Spoon and I doubt another Cutlery Drought would faze him (Did you know the gap between those with the most teaspoons and those with the least teaspoons has increased steadily since 2008? We’re already down to 4 Teaspoons per household and with further impending Cutlery Cuts I personally don’t see that statistic becoming any better). George Osbourne is ironically willing to stick the Knife in.

Far more likely however is the fact that The Falklands hosts natural Oil Reserves.

Argentina’s claims are rooted in the history and geography of the islands; although they were pretty vacant upon European arrival and settlement so it does perhaps seem trite. Their main dissatisfaction is simply British Influence in the area. If the Islands weren’t British then there wouldn’t be a problem.

The Falklands, under their 2009 Constitution, are largely self-controlled; Britain takes care of Defence and Foreign Policy of course. This is the closet form of ‘self-determination’ allowed.

But the Islanders themselves are happy to identify as British – they are part of the problem.

In truth without a military campaign the Argentines have no hopes of change; and even then Prince William and Co would be favourites.  The EU’s Lisbon Treaty has ratified that the Islands are indeed a British ‘possession’ (without really consulting anyone) so they have no legitimate legal claims and the deployment of HMS Dauntless implies Cameron is not interested in talking.

So the Falkland Islands will remain British; the best the Argentines could hope for is a profit-sharing arrangement for the oil and fishing resources available.

However South America is uniting as an economic collective; Argentina is forging stronger ties with her (and Argentina is a lady; have you seen their leader?) Latin counterparts that could offer important leverage against the British.

This is defintley one to keep an eye on.

With contributions from World Outline – a new international affairs blog, check them out.

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