Super-Duper Tuesday

Isn’t every Tuesday ‘Super’? I mean, who remembers that great Tuesday way back in 2007, May 11th to be precise…and don’t bother checking that was a Friday because it wasn’t, and I remember because it was ‘Super’. But I mean nearly every week there’s a Tuesday and I would have to say 2 out of 4 of them are pretty ‘Super’. But that’s in the UK. Over in the United States of America, they are only allowed one ‘Super’ Tuesday; and that comes just once every four years. Like a leap year, they save up all their little bits of ‘Super’-ness, which we can call “leftovers”, and consolidate them into one really ‘Super’ Tuesday.

So come this Tuesday, which in America is known as ‘Super’ Tuesday, four worldly men, who have probably never left the US, will battle it out to attempt to win the Republican Presidential nomination, and stand against every non-white person in the world, against the leader of the free world, Barack Hussein Obama.

American politics, it has been remarked, is about “Gays, Guns, and Gods” (or should that be ‘God’…?). And nowhere is that sentiment more recognisable in the Republican Presidential nomination debates. These can essentially be boiled down to debates on abortion, which is quite surprising, seeing as we live in the 21st Century. Maybe one will even suggest the reappropriation of Slavery…who knows what these intellectually-impaired, socially-defunct men will say next?

Unsurprisingly, the American Presidential Race can often be compared to a beauty contest…who looks prettiest? Hence why Obama defeated McCain. Obama is beautiful, McCain is very old, with arms that don’t work to their fullest capacity. Quite clearly, the name is very important.

This raises problems for our Republican friends: ‘Oven’ Mitt Romney was unable to take out the McCain Chips in 2008, so why, four years later, would he revered as the favourite? Whilst, Rick’s Santorum sounds like a feminine hygiene aid. “Santorum: keeping ladies clean”. On the other hand, we have the fashion designer Ron Paul Gaultier. Elder Statesman of American politics, Newt Gingrich, has by far the best name of any living human. This is even better than the incumbent, who represents a healthy mix of an Iraqi dictator and a Muslim fundamentalist; whilst his surname sounds unsurprisingly similar to “Oh Bomber”: a cry often heard whilst on the receiving end of a terrorist attack. A name that is so unbelievable that one may start to believe that he represents a secret bid by the ‘Axis of Evil’ to usurp American hegemony.

Anyways, getting back to Newt Gingrich, the man with the best name of any living being. However, I simply could not vote for this man. At the ripe old age of (emphasis on the “old”) 68, one may ask the question: why has a man of his age not developed into a fully-fledged frog?

‘Super’ Tuesday is very much the ‘Super Bowl’ for those who like politics, and don’t like ceramics…or sport. But who will get the Republican nomination shouldn’t matter too much. With the backing of all those horrible people in the world, Barack Obama should stand the test of time as the “First Black President of the USA”. There is no doubt that he will not lose this title. Whether he will lose the election, however unlikely, cannot be foreseen.

My vote though has to go to Frog Gingrich. Sadly, I’m not American…

*Disclaimer: I am not sad I’m not American; I am in fact very happy.



TSL - 05/03/2012