Oscar Needs a New Hobby

I mean, who even is ‘Oscar’? Is it that little golden-coloured man that celebrities clutch with such ‘pride’? That little man the same colour as a ‘The Only Way is Essex’ character?

(Firstly, it is definitely not the only way. And secondly, I say ‘character’: they are all actors; really, really good actors, who are in fact so good, that they are the only people who actually deserve an ‘Oscar’. They are not real people. They hoodwink us with their foolhardy ways. But of course, if they are real people, which they are not, then all this ‘fake-reality’ actually proves, is that no matter whether you are common as muck, or as common as any other easily accessible amenity, or as posh as George Osborne, David Cameron and Boris Johnson indulging in some sort of Spit-Roast, whilst snorting caviar off a pheasant, worn by one of Hugh Grant’s ‘characters’; yes if you are common or posh, all that this ‘fake-reality’ proves is that you can be a complete moron, regardless. ‘Fake-reality’ is the greatest of equalisers. Fuck tuition fees…it won’t matter, raise them to 90,000 pounds, you filth-covered scumbags. Intelligence is not deemed by these dodgy character traits no. We can all be clever…do not fear! ‘Fake-reality’, our saviour.)

Getting back to our little friend, ‘Oscar’: “and the award for longest use of bracketing in a slightly shit blog goes to…yes, ME!” At least this isn’t a silent movie, because it has real words that you can read, and say aloud. I mean, really? Don’t they have microphones in France? I saw that French Bloke, in that Silent Film speak…why do they need to hire someone who has such an ability, use him in one of them speaking-films?!

And, didn’t we have them Golden Globes recently, and them BAFTAs, and now ‘Oscar’ has his moment to shine! (He definitely is my favourite though). How many awards do these multi-millionaire frauds really need? Nay, how many do they want? The greedy, self-obsessed thesps. If they want a tiny, golden man, I’m sure like some delinquent sex-fiend, they could afford one…

‘Oscar’ can be mind-numbing. I have very little feeling about a dementia-ridden lady, such as Margaret Streep, winning an award; it cries of pity.

There definitely should be less award shows; like Carol Vorderman, the evil-money-grabbing-number-whore™, advocates, we “should consolidate all our existing award shows, into one friendlier, more manageable award show”.

The only way we can continue with our existing rate of award shows is if we ensure at each of these events the actual ashes of infamous dictators and demagogues of years-gone-by are thrown over indiscriminate, faceless television presenters, providing character to their soulless, hollow beings.

Perhaps, Gaddafi over Garraway (Kate). Or, Bin Laden (if only those pesky Yanks hadn’t thrown him overboard…allegedly) sprinkled delicately upon the head of George Lamb…in the hope of evening up his hair colourings.

Sadly, democracy seems to have taken hold of this world of ours; it has us in its devious democracy-wielding grip, like a bad case of the Common Cold. As dictator, after dictator is disposed of (or should that be ‘desposed’ of…as in despot…no? Ok…) what will we do when we finally have none left?! A replacement will be needed…if only to keep our little man ‘Oscar’ in business. How else will another character-based comedian gain publicity?




TSL - 02/03/2012