Charlie Chalk: Behind The Painted Smile

Charlie Chalk was once bigger than Blobby. His brand of sophisticated yet stylish mayhem, mixed with a large spoonful of laughter, was a forerunner for the likes of The Mighty Boosh and Arthur The Aardvark. However drug addiction ruined him and his fall from grace was irrevocable. But now he’s back, and we recently talked closure with Charlie Chalk.

‘Well I never had a happy childhood. My dad was a circus mime and we never spoke; he never forgave me for my mum being sawn in half at childbirth. It was tough being the class clown though; kids can be so cruel. They never used to laugh at me. In PE once I hurried all lesson to remove my face-paint and then, just as I was lacing up my Nike Clown Boots (which were rather pricey), the bell went and all the lads came back in and didn’t laugh at me.

My happiest days were at Zippo’s Clown College. I met my wife there, my Molotov-Lover Susan the Flame-eater. I also learnt a deep burning hatred for Tigers there (I fully support your work).

I got divorced soon after I graduated – it all started when I bought her petrol station Valentines flowers that accidentally squirted her in the face.

Alone and undeterred, I moved to Camden. I began writing the show and it was a huge success. Fame went to my head big time. I became part of the notorious ‘Camden Caners Club’. Sometimes there’d be 14 or 15 of us clambering out of my little car and rolling into a club. Loads of stars were there – Young Moss, Barrymore, Noel (Gallagher not Edmonds) and even Handy Andy. It was Noel (Edmonds not Gallagher) who christened me ‘Charlie Chalk’. I had a penchant for Cocaine you see? The problem with Coke is it is very moreish.

I didn’t realise I was an addict until I was shopped dogging with Wallace and Gromitt in Clapham as part of a mass orgy with several Moomins. The Daily Star ran the headline ‘Chalk and Cheese’ and I was finished.

I’ve been clean now for 7 years; I now live in a Bow flat with Penny Crayon. I’m still not allowed within 50 yards of the kids though (which extends to 52 when I have my shoes on). I’ve just published my autobiography ‘Charlie Chalk’s Coke Diet’ in which I talk candidly about addiction and my failed attempt at becoming the BNP London Mayor in 2008.

Yes I am embarrassed. I genuinely believed I was trapped on that Island (Merrytwit). I saw a repeat on Dave last week and I’m convinced 64% of my make-up was Coke. I was Coke-o-nuts. You never lose it!’