The Former Yugoslav Republic of Scotland – A Right Offal Mess

The sleepless nights remain. Awoken in a cold sweat and a pool of despair. The horizon looks bleak. The nightmares seem oh too real. The shock, the fear, the failure, sweeps through your body, accompanied with a dark shiver. Yet this is much more than a nightmare. This is reality. That wasn’t your terror-filled imagination, but in fact the very dark, very deep, but very true possibility. Scotland may leave the UK. Scotland may become an independent state. The Former Republic of Scotland stands tall.

I feel your terrifying screams resonate throughout our interactive highway: “It’s too soon”; “It’s all too real”…but we must talk about it. We can’t keep putting this off. We must face our desperate reality. Life without Scotland.

The greatest fear obviously lies in the aftermath: What will happen? Could it all descend into chaos? The bloody dissolution of Yugoslavia stands strong in our memories. Our anxieties confronted by our experience.

We may worry that them Americans will intervene (‘cos that’s what they always do, init?!). Like the nosey neighbours they are, we don’t want to see another Kosovo. As missiles rain down (will the Scots notice any different: isn’t it always raining?) on one of those Scottish cities (I can’t actually remember any of their names, but I’m pretty sure they do have names; something unusual and exotic though), what will the world do? Our only hope is that the US are a tad cash-strapped, following a dodgy experience with one of them “Cash-4-Gold” merchants…and well, apparently there’s  a bit of an “economic crisis” going on as well, or summink. Or maybe Mr Obama remembers what it’s like to be a minority in your own country. Save our Scotch Brothers?

But the largest of all anxieties is that Alex Salmond will descend into a quasi-Slobodan Milosevic-esque character, whom we will next meet at the Hague (no jokes to be made about Hague and Haggis, and there apparent homophonic similarity [no gay jokes, either]; your sort ain’t welcome round here!) Stood in that glass dock, charged with “Crimes against Humanity”. Like Nuremberg all over again, Nationalistic politics has fatigued this man. The innocent slaughter of any one without ginger hair, unnaturally pale skin, and a tartan skirt, shocks the world. Still staring aghast in horror: Irn-Bru, shortbread and heroin, the forced diet of the masses.

The break-up of a country can be a messy affair, to say the least. Maybe, just maybe (for if we don’t have hope what do we have) Scotland won’t descend into the Yugoslav experience…“but what if it does?” you cry. Those Scots are known for their temper…aren’t they? Or is that the Welsh…that’s sheep isn’t it? Maybe it’s them Irish with the anger issues…them with that penchant for bombs?

We can’t live in fear.

We don’t want another film by resident anti-Semite, Mel “Adolf” Gibson: Braveheart II: Return of the Haggis.

We best get Hadrian’s Wall rebuilt.