Interview With A Vampire

Count Dracula was one of the stars of 2011. Having featured in spirit in several televison and cinema releases, his stock is continuosly rising; he expects 2012 to be a big year. I recently conducted a phone interview with Count Dracula, who, perhaps suprisingly, has a Welsh accent.

”To be honest with you it all happened so fast last year. I mean I’ve had purple patches before but I’ve been dead for nearly 200 years now. So it’s bound to go to your head a bit when you are the biggest draw on ITV2 after Peter Andre.

I still get ribbed by the lads down at The Horseman’s Head about the whole Robert Patterson thing. I look nothing like him. I wouldn’t mind sinking my teeth into that Kirsten Stewart mind (It’s been two centuries).

I twatted Joey Barton last week about his red card; he bantered back about Sir Christopher Lee’s Cheek Bones and quoted Dostoyevsky at me.

It is strange being flavour of the month. I’m on lunchboxes, buses, spoons and yoghurts and there’s talk of a Vampire Weekend. I still get asked all the same old questions though. A stake through the heart yes. And it must be well done else there will be blood.

I’m looking forward to 2012 though. I’ve just signed up with Max Clifford and Hello! are due at mine later to talk to me whilst I walk the dogs. I wanted to break into daytime TV but that is unfeasible. Apparently Loose Women are scarier than me anyways. So really I’ve just got Celebrity Total Wipeout in May and my Autobiography in July. ‘Sucks To Be Me’ is quite a heavy affair largely focusing on the abuse I suffered as a young Transylvanian. It’s all my own words though. I was going to use a ghost writer but Stephen King was busy.”

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Ross
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