The Crying Game

I have only cried three times in my adult life. Once at the passing of Grandad Alec, once at the John Lennon song ‘Beautiful Boy’ (The lyric ‘I can hardly wait to see you come of age…’ whilst knowing what came next is too much) and once at The Royle Family Christmas Special.

Yes. The Royle Family Christmas Special. 2006. I was 16. And I cried at The Royle Family.

The moment where Jim Royle broke down in tears at Nana’s deathbed hit me hard.  Jim Royle is a northern pillar of cold macho strength – He always seemed to have hated her; they were always at odds. So to see this unexpected outburst of emotion so beautifully carried out really affected me.

I’m not particularly proud that the last time I cried was at The Royle Family Christmas Special. Although I am weirdly proud that I cried at The Royle Family and not the Royal Family – although I did cry with laughter that time when Prince Philip called Luis Suarez a honky on Celebrity Big Brother – his second foray in to car-crash TV.

Perhaps this moment was Karma for mocking a close friend (who for privacy’s sake I shall not name) when they confidentially announced they wept at the end of King Kong. Apparently the line ‘for it was beauty that killed the beast’  was too much for Chris to take.

I’ve never imagined crying to be healthy. I’ve never seen a sad snail. And yet a new study has revealed crying is good for you. It reduces stress, lowers blood pressure and apparently means you are in fact human.

But What is the best method for salt-submission?

Alan Partridge (man of the moment 1994) does it in the bath. He recently revealed a Short-Burst-Underwater-Crying Technique, as well as selective crying. For example he wouldn’t cry at an unexpectedly large MOT bill, yet he would cry at an unexpectedly large MOT bill coupled with the death of a close friend. He occasionally introduces ‘Splash Therapy’ although advices that you will need to mop up a considerable amount. I imagine this would compound my sadness.

The North-Korean Tearanny recently seen on the news was a great example of Crowd Crying, a controversial theory believed to originate from Germany.

And so it is my New Year’s Resolution to cry more.

So far this week I have cried at Downton Abbey, Ed Milliband’s continuing existence, Sonia from Eastender’s new haircut and the self-service machine talking a harsh tone at me at Tesco’s when I nearly forgot my receipt. I’ve also bought tickets to see ‘The Notebook: The Musical’ starring Michael J. Fox and Dido.

It’s going to be a long year.


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